Wednesday, September 12, 2012

A year later...

Here I am, a year later. When I said my previous post would be my last, at least for a while, I guess I wasn't kidding.

I am working at a barbershop, rehearsing for two plays, and working out like a fiend. My husband is off of work, and has been for almost 2 months, because he got injured on the job and they're still trying to figure out all the details with getting him healthy and back to work. This has put an unimaginable amount of financial stress on our family and we have begun to look at the prospect of moving. We are considering a move to Dallas, Texas, where I will have a TON of work opportunity, and my husband will be able to get into the field of work he wants to be in- custom auto body work. There's really no business/economy for it here... which is slightly ironic, since Michigan was once known as the auto capital of the country. Interesting.
The past couple weeks I have spent a lot of my "free time" (of which I have very little) on the website checking out homes for rent and for sale. We don't have a very good credit situation between the two of us, so we'll struggle either way, it's just a matter of deciding how committed we want to be to an area. We're looking at heading down to Texas this winter, probably after the first of the year, to check out some neighborhoods and possibly meet with a realtor or something to see what we can expect for approval. Everyone I've slipped this information to is worried that I will leave right away, but whether I leave right away or wait a whole year... I will be leaving.

The thought of leaving is really tricky. There are a lot of people and a lot of things I will miss, but... I'm tired of suffering. It's time to do what's best for me and my family... even though that's a husband, a cat and a dog. I will miss my biological family, my theatre family, and the family I've built out of long-term friendships... but anyone who truly wants what is best for me will understand and support me. There's too much disappointment and pain here...

On the Infertility front, I've come to a conclusion: The stork is handing out babies to a shit load of people that shouldn't be having them, and maybe I should take it as a sign. A sign to move on with my life and do what makes me happy. I just turned 29, and I've pretty much lost my last ounce of hope. It's not going to happen naturally, I know that, and we will never be in a position to adopt, so... dogs and cats it is. Maybe I'll get a fish too, I don't know. I know at least three people having "oops" babies and it's like no big deal to them. I actually had a couple friends come INTO MY HOUSE and tell me they're having an oops baby... and they both know what we've been through. So now I have that memory in this house. I can't wait to move away from all this. I can't wait to leave this house... I love my house so much but there's so many bad memories here now. So many bad memories.

On the brighter side of my infertility story, my good friend TJ over at Army Wife Post is about to have her little miracle baby. It's taken them so long to get to this point... so much heartache and hurt... and now so much happiness and joy and pure pure love. Congratulations, Jones family, on the impending arrival of Baby J. I can't wait :)

I have recently made peace with not having kids, though. Really, I have. There are so many things I want to do, and am already doing, and having kids would drastically change that. I guess maybe I'm not done being selfish just yet... I'm not ready to have someone rely on me like that. Funny how things change. If I had gotten pregnant the first time we started trying, I'd have a 3 year old by now... and I think of all the things I would have missed in the last three years. I wouldn't have gone to beauty school, I wouldn't have kept up with theatre, I wouldn't have started my sewing business. What an odd thought.

So if anyone was wondering where I'd run off to, that's about it. Perhaps in another year I will be back here posting about packing up my house to be Texas bound :)