Wednesday, March 30, 2011


I am sitting here drinking a ginger ale, feeling sorry for myself. I know that the she-beast Aunt Flow will be here tomorrowish.

I am totally throwing myself a miniature pity party... But mostly because the 1st day of AF is a huge bitch for me & I will get to experience it at my new job (been there 2 weeks)... On my feet all day, cutting hair. Oh the joy I face.


8/9DPO: I'm just tired of it.

8/9DPO- I am blogging sort of "in between" days.

I felt more comfortable posting here than "the other site" because I feel like there's lots of drama going on around there. It's annoying. Hopefully it'll pass over time. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop & for the drama & insanity to move into my "preferred" sub-forum... Then I'll have to put the cyber-smack down. Ugh, I don't have the energy.

Steve went back to driving truck for a living. This is good & also bad. Good, cuz we could use all that extra money and bad, cuz if I don't get a BFP this cycle (no breath-holding), then I'm pretty much screwed as far as TTC goes... Unless I magically ovulate on a weekend when Steve is home... How many effing dice do I have to roll to deal with this shit??? Not really a risk I was willing to take... HOWEVER with the extra money from trucking I could afford that damn RE, especially since my insurance is gone now it'll be that much more! Meehhhhhhhhh.

Anway, lets do a quick symptom recap. I'm 8DPO & eperiencing the following *IPS* emphasis imaginary:

*My boobs feel HUGE. They're already DD's but it's like they're totally in my way, like all the time.

*Also sore/tender, but to pressure only.

*Odd things are happening with my CM.

*I am crampy & kinda nauseous, but that couldve been the 9:30 PM McD's chicken nuggets!

*Also very tired. That's just me though.

I am trying really hard not to get all IPS worked up. I don't even want to get excited. Today is the first day I've even mentioned the possibility out loud. As soon as I said "Theres a minute chance I'm pregnant," that AF would show up. As I'm writing this, I feel like I have AF cramps.

I am dooming myself. I am setting myself up for failure. The more I dwell on it, the more I feel like I push any prospect of a baby far far away.

will I ever be able to try & enjoy a 2WW or have FUN noting my IPS? Will any of this ever be fun or have any kind of positivity ever again?

I'm at a loss. I'll let you know when AF shows up.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

5DPO: bloats & cramps...

Bloating. Cramping. REEEEALLLLLLY trying not to get my hopes up. It would be nothing short of a miracle... And it would be worth trying to jam my ass into all my clothes right now. Uggghhh it's making me feel like Gigantor.

it would be nice if it happened this time, but don't start placing any bets.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

1DPO & the source of my sanity

Weeeelllll I suppose I am 1DPO. I feel weird though... After everything I've heard about the "myth of O on CD14", I feel like a huge jackass for actually ovulating on CD14. Sorry guys, that's just my dumb luck. Nothing of much interest to report. Things won't be gettin interesting for another few days. I am always on the lookout for symptoms cuz I RARELY get IPS, so... Any sign is a big deal for me.

I would like to take this moment to focus your attention to the source of my sanity through all this: One of my dearest most darlingest friends TJ over @ "Army Wife Post".

TJ was brave enough to share her infertility struggles with me, even before I was deemed "INFERTILE". I always had a feeling in the back of my mind, and heart... LITERALLY since forever, that I would have troubles getting pregnant. We had talked about this before, and I like to give myself an iota of credit & think that she saw in me someone she could turn to without judgement or the inevitable and terrible "Relax" speech.

She updated me on this new & freaky road she started down with her precious husband J (I was in their wedding, he truly is a treasure to behold). When she would text me with appointment updates or bad, sad, not-at-all good news, I would cry for her. I would pray for her harder than I prayed for my own TTC struggles. I couldn't imagine being in her shoes & hoped I never would be...

These days we are sharing similar stories. I haven't been through as many procedures as she has, but we are both struggling to a common goal: spit up, dirty diapers & a lifetime of "firsts".

Nobody else in my real life day-to-day interactions can relate. Sure, I have supportive friends who love me & listen, but lets be honest... They do not give a shit about my cervical mucus. I don't blame them... But I know that TJ is out there waiting for me to text her as I pee in a cup (not easy).

it breaks my heart that J's army job keeps her so far from me, all the way to Georgia!... I remember when she was a 45 minute drive away & we could sit by the pool with our Nalgene bottles of Screwdriver-y deliciousness & just talk crap & laugh. Now we do it all through text & the (rare) phone date (we are busy)... But at least we are in the same time zone now (ugh, alaska).

I think about how easily our ships could've passed in the night, and how absolutely grateful I am to have her. She is my IFBFF & will always be my little ginger muffin. I lover you, TJ, and miss you a la fat kid/cake.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

CD15 & stuff

Let me just start by saying I'm appalled at how rude people can be. I guess when you assume things it's easy to make idiotic statements & completely miss the whole point of a conversation. Um, I am trying to help, but I can't help if I don't have info, therefore I have to ask questions that were probably already answered at some point. Don't be a defensive jerk about it. If it weren't for the AMAZING people I met at that site, I would make a big scene & split. I just don't take well to being disrespected.

anyway onto more pressing things.... The whole reason for this blog: My Infertility!

Well here we are, CD15. I got a pretty positive OPK yesterday. It was on a blue handled IC from Amazon. The only TRUE positive I've gotten was on a green handled OPK from Come to think of it, the really good positives I see are usually on green handles, so maybe I'll get those next time if this cycle is a bust.

so I'm guessing O was yesterday. I was really crampy, but also really gassy, so it was hard to determine if they were O or gas cramps sometimes...

I've been sore on the left side though so that's good! Maybe all that lefty juju & inspirational song writing on TMP has really motivated my body to do the right thing this time around.

so... I'm in the 2WW now I guess. Oh joy, such a wonderful time. I'm going to try not to think about it so much & just assume Af will be here in 10 days.. Maybe longer if my B6 is doing its job.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

CD12: The fun part!

we are on CD12 & in the fun doin-it stages. Yesss. FF thinks I should probably be ovulating right now, but I know one thing FF does not! My cycles have regulated to a 24 (sometimes 25) day pattern... And (the more you knooowww) a 10 day LP! So... If I take today, count out the rest of my cycle, it takes me to the 31st... Count back 10ish days, O should actually take place 21st to 22nd, so I've got a good couple days in there before it's crunch time...

Also that means AF would show up on OH APRIL FIRST. WHAT A SHOCK. An april fools day guest. Watch me get the most picture perfect evap that day. I'll go ballistic.

so peeps, I need your prayerizzles. LEFT SIDE OVULATION ONLY PLZKTHX. If I fire one off on the right again, we're up blocked tube creek without a paddle.

also, anyone who follows this, could you be a peach and follow my art blog? I feel super lame cuz nobody follows me. I can't post it on TMP because I don't wanna pay... It's not actually making me any money cuz ppl don't know it exists: Tiny Giraffe Studio.

I feel super dumb posting when nobody reads it lol. Also pass it along to any other people you think might be remotely interested in mixed media abstracts...

I'm asking an awful lot of you, huh? Remember: you love me.

Monday, March 14, 2011

CD7. Struggling.

CD7 & AF is on her way out. Just down to pinkish spotting. Thank goodness I did NOT want another 12 day-er like last month!

I am struggling. I would like to be glad that other people are pregnant, but not all of them can seem to be tactful about it... The facebook widgets that put the weekly growth updates on my news feed, the one broad that just announced her pregnancy and thusly will not shut the eff up about it... It's just a lot of bullcrap... And I am feeling weak. Too weak to deal with other peoples' "priceless" antics.

I have been extremely tired lately & I don't know why. I don't know if it's leftover sickness or stress or what.

at least I start my new job tomorrow... Well not really "start", but I gotta go in & watch some videos & probably go over a handbook or whatevs.

I'm excited to start this cycle so it can come & go. I'm not holding out a ton of hope for this one, but you never ever know. As my pastors wife told me today "God's got your best interests at heart". True Story.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Slowest. AF. EVER.

Today is CD4... This is taking forevvvverrrrr...

Plan is, whenever AF stops, BD every other day till CD18. This was suggested by my OB after he looked over Steve's SA... We are apparently well enough stocked in that department to BD every other day & have plenty, LOL.

After Af I'm also going to start B6. OB said no soy, and thank goodness cuz it really screwed me up... But I'm hoping the B6 will extend my LP. This AF came at 10DPO, so.. Shorty short short!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Today's Mood

Today's mood is... Fair. My job hunt is progressing... Slowly, but it's going... I got out of the house for a while today, that was nice.

Steve is talking about going back on the road trucking. This would put a definite cramp on our TTC plans, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Right now it's not even in view, lol. That's good.

I'm on CD 2, going on 3. Cramps & such have subsided. Lower back pain is lessened, and also moved up. Feels like this cycle is taking forever already, but I think it's because I formulated a plan & I'm super excited to get things started! Soon enough I'll be able to start checking OPK & CM... Heeeeere we gooooo!

Cycle Day 1... And off we go!

Okay! Here we go! This is the first cycle I will have after my tubal blockage diagnosis, and before we get to the RE. We are going to continue to try naturally until we can get the RE involved.

in an interesting twist, all the terrible period symptoms I used to have are back! They stopped a year or two-ish ago & now they're back. I never thought I'd be glad for cramps & feeling gigantic, but if it means things are normalizing after my HSG, I'll take a cramp or two.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Hiding out... In the IF Closet.

well here I am.  I guess it was only a matter of time before I started a blog.

heres what's happening:   there are a select few that know what's REALLY happening with our infertility.  I am currently studying up on the various treatments for my tubal blockage & also going to keep TTC and hope that the clear tube & left ovary hooks us up with a viable zygote!

I am also looking to wrangle a luteal phase problem.  It seems to be about 10 days-ish.  I'm 9dpo right now & I'm experiencing some light spotting, not red at all.

Anybody else in the infertility closet? :)

I'll be keeping track of cycles & also any IF treatments I might be starting