A little update.

So after my birth control pack was done, I had a new and different kind of period from hell.  I thought I was going to DIE.  There were a couple days that it was so bad I didn't even move.  I wore pads because I was going through tampons too quickly, and pads were more cost effective.  It was insane.  I don't know if the sudden drop in hormones had anything to do with it, or the Evening Primrose Oil supplement but YEESH.  It wasn't super painful, but it was very uncomfortable overall.  I even had a couple instances where I bled through a little, and I haven't done that in YEARS.  It was crazy.  I felt better about it though because I felt like my body was really getting all the junk out and getting ready to do something amazing...

So I'm on day 29.  I never really go longer than day 25.  We haven't had sex, so I know I'm not pregnant.  Last time I was on BC, when I got off of it, I ovulated the day I was *supposed* to get my period, and ended up having a 44 day cycle!  I have a sneaking suspicion that will happen again...

However I have lost so much hope that I'm not even OPKing every day like I should be.  I don't temp, I don't root around in there for different sensations and secretions.  I've pretty much called a stalemate and am just living my life.  Furthermore, I may just be in the IF Closet forever.  People are starting to bring up kids again since we've been married for two years and I just say "Sometimes that's a little more difficult than you might think" and leave it at that.  It could mean any number of things.

Let them wonder.

I am terrible at thinking of titles

The period from hell returned, so I kicked it to the curb with a pack of birth control I had.  These last two weeks without a period have been soooo nice.  It's gonna be sad when they're gone, lol.  I mean, TTC is kind of pointless if I'm on the pill, but if I just constantly bleed when I'm not on it, then that's counterproductive too.

One more week of pills to go.  I wish this pill countdown was to prepare my body for IVF or something.  I'm just tired of not being a parent.  Pregnant, adopting, doesn't matter.  Just tired of being only little old me with my little old pets and my little old husband I don't see often enough.

We're less than a month away from our big yearly Chicago vacation, though!  And Steve is taking me to the Bristol Renaissance Faire (over by the Wisconsin/Illinois border) because it's going to be PIRATE WEEKEND!!!!!  Man... Chicago, the Aquarium, Floyd's, Ikea, Legoland, AND Pirate Weekend?!  Squee overload.  So much to cram into 3 days and I am SO very excited!

Whoa! Been gone a while

Wow.  Looks like I've been gone for a while, huh?  Couple good reasons for that.  I was blogging from my phone, which died, so I got another, and it's difficult to do a lot of posting from my new one.  I mean, I bet it's easy cuz it's Android powered, but it's my first fully touch screen and that's a little frustrating for typing sometimes.

Also, I haven't had much to say.  Still rampantly infertile, lol.  I had a period from hell that lasted nearly three months, which was SUPER annoying, but now it's gone and I'm looking forward to resuming life as I know it.

Steve is driving truck again for a very good company.  Lots of loads, lots of time out AND lots of time home, too.  I get to see him a couple days out of a week... which I've been known to complain about, but really I'm lucky, because a lot of trucker wives only get to see their husbands like once or twice a month.  That is totally sucky.

Also I can't stand my job.  Steve told me to get a job doing something else and just do hair out of the house for a while... I might do that.  I just hate working in a place that punishes you if you're not "good enough" but doesn't really do anything to reward you when you meet/soar above their standards.  That's corporate life, and that's not for me.  Hairdressing shouldn't have so many rules.

I will also be turning the Tiny Giraffe blog into a craft blog, and it will be linked to my etsy shop (which only has two pieces of art in it, LAME).

So that's me! :)  I will try and keep up with the blogging a little more.  The next installment will be all adoption information and how mindblowingly frustrating it is getting for me...

Another Suitcase in Another Hall

So, here I am. On the eve of the one-year mark of one of the most horrible times of my life... The day I had to get the law to intervene to protect me from my dad & my younger sister. The story is actually petty & stupid, which should illustrate just how unforgivably STUPID their behavior is, so I'll spare you the details. Anyway, my personal protection order expires May 11... And oh shits, that's today, now. I'm home alone & my address is available to people it probably shouldn't be available to. My dad I'm not too worried about since he's recovering from a very omplex foot surgery, but my sister runs with all kinds of shady sketchy people (great role models for my niece & nephew, right?). I don't think anythin will happen, but... Still scary.

Next month will be my official one-year TTC mark, even though we tried on & off for the year previous.

that first TTC month I wasn't surprised when I did not get a pregnant result... I was coming off the pill & was going through a time of extreeeeme stress... Of all the myths & wives tales, the stress thing is legit!

so now it's May 2011. I had such hope that I'd be
bringing a little nugget into the world in a few weeks from now.

this is Really. Freakin. Hard.

I sort of feel like the purpose is missing from my life & that's a sucky-ass feeling.

I thought I'd have a baby by now.

my friend TJ asked me last night if I was in the 2WW. I said "yeah I guess" cuz technically I am. Steve was home at a very opportune ewcm moment but I didn't waste $ on OPKs to confirm cuz I am waving the white flag. I'm surrendering. It's all I can do, now... I'm in insurance limbo, and I'm down on my 50/50 chances by half.

this is the time I'm supposed to be huge & uncomfortable & excited to squeeze a tiny human out of my lady-bits. I'm not.

the wait list for chinese adoption has extended to 8-10 YEARS. YEARS. So much for my precious asian baby.

I thought I'd be pregnant and I'm not.

A Day We Don't Do...

Here at The Infertility Closet, we don't do Mothers' Day.

I know some of you subscribers/readers are mothers, and I mean no offense, but a Mothers' Day post is not in the works here.

My husband is out of town, I woke up to a dog hairball, and my own family is so jacked up that the only moms-day communication I had with my mom was I sent her a text & she wrote back.

Yesterday I found out a friend from beauty school is pregnant again... After having a baby in November. It's a "surprise". Yeah. Kick me when I'm down.

so, Happy Sunday Like Any Other, everyone!!!

uughhh

I WANT TO MAKE A POSITIVE BLOG POST. I REALLY DO.

I want to tell you all those fun sunshiney things, like... That I finally got knocked up, won a home makeover giveaway by one of the most creative people I've seen in a while (or even cracked top 15), love my job, and don't ever miss my husband while he's driving truck. But then I'd be someone I hate- A LIAR.

so for now I will sit in my beige nightmare, dreaming of a plum & creme bedroom suite, a nursery or even spending tonight snuggled up with my love-bug instead of my elderly pets.


I don't like being negative bc I don't like bringing my readers down, but kids... When it sucks, it sucks *shrug*

just gonna have to pray my fortunes turn around soon.

in the meantime, here are photos from my life:

these will be huge until I get around to resizing. Sry.


Simon trying to decide if he wants to gnaw on part of my craft project:



Bear deciding thunderstorms means lap-time with Mommy, much to her surprise:



again. No apologies for the largeness of photos. I blog via phone & photobastardbucket uses flash to resize photos so I'm screwed till at least sometime tomorrow.


dog farted. Rude as hell, right in my bed too.

VOTING NOW OPEN

PLEASE PLEASE PLEEEEASE go here and vote for me!!!

my entry is #68 "My Home: Slightly Used (by Jen)"

Thank you in advance. I REALLY want to win this... Or at least come darn close!!!