The End

Sad to say, this will probably be my last Infertility Closet blog post.  At least for a while.

I have resigned my position as forum co-guide at TMP.  I will be stepping back from there more once this round of Secret Sender is over.

Basically, I just have lost all interest in fighting this battle.  Maybe I'm "giving up", maybe I'm "quitting", but maybe I've just realized all this stress and heartache just isn't worth it right now.  I run a somewhat successful ghetto-kitchen-salon out of my house, I'm selling Thirty One products and I'm starting to create more art for Tiny Giraffe Studio.  I'm slowly getting pieces started to put on my Etsy and I'm hoping to ACTUALLY sell stuff at some point.  Also, the theatre is taking up more and more of my interest and time, and I'm not quite ready to give that up.

We're about to get insured again, and I don't want to blow my entire yearly limit on a few months of getting prodded by an RE that I'm not convinced I want to deal with right now.  It's just.... hard. 

What's made it easier is...
Okay, so I just had my 28th birthday.  *enter miniature premature midlife crisis* I was talking to a very good friend of mine, who enlightened me a little.  She and her husband didn't even get engaged till she was 28.  She didn't have their first child till she was 32, and their second at 35.  Now one's entering his 3rd year of college and her daughter is a senior in high school.  And they're cool parents!  They're totally awesome!  I thought to myself, "I can do that.  I can do it like that.  I can wait."  I figured that if I'm going to emulate anyone, they are the right people to take after.  They're amazing friends to me and my husband and now knowing their situation, they'll be a very good source of support and information as we move along.

I want to thank those of you that actually follow this blog.  I don't have a billion followers, but I know the ones that are following actually read.  It has meant so much to me that you supported me enough to join up.  What would mean even more to me is if you could find it in you to support my career path and follow my other blog tinygiraffestudio.blogspot.com and my Etsy shop: http://www.etsy.com/shop/tinygiraffestudio

Thank you in advance for your continued support

A little update.

So after my birth control pack was done, I had a new and different kind of period from hell.  I thought I was going to DIE.  There were a couple days that it was so bad I didn't even move.  I wore pads because I was going through tampons too quickly, and pads were more cost effective.  It was insane.  I don't know if the sudden drop in hormones had anything to do with it, or the Evening Primrose Oil supplement but YEESH.  It wasn't super painful, but it was very uncomfortable overall.  I even had a couple instances where I bled through a little, and I haven't done that in YEARS.  It was crazy.  I felt better about it though because I felt like my body was really getting all the junk out and getting ready to do something amazing...

So I'm on day 29.  I never really go longer than day 25.  We haven't had sex, so I know I'm not pregnant.  Last time I was on BC, when I got off of it, I ovulated the day I was *supposed* to get my period, and ended up having a 44 day cycle!  I have a sneaking suspicion that will happen again...

However I have lost so much hope that I'm not even OPKing every day like I should be.  I don't temp, I don't root around in there for different sensations and secretions.  I've pretty much called a stalemate and am just living my life.  Furthermore, I may just be in the IF Closet forever.  People are starting to bring up kids again since we've been married for two years and I just say "Sometimes that's a little more difficult than you might think" and leave it at that.  It could mean any number of things.

Let them wonder.

I am terrible at thinking of titles

The period from hell returned, so I kicked it to the curb with a pack of birth control I had.  These last two weeks without a period have been soooo nice.  It's gonna be sad when they're gone, lol.  I mean, TTC is kind of pointless if I'm on the pill, but if I just constantly bleed when I'm not on it, then that's counterproductive too.

One more week of pills to go.  I wish this pill countdown was to prepare my body for IVF or something.  I'm just tired of not being a parent.  Pregnant, adopting, doesn't matter.  Just tired of being only little old me with my little old pets and my little old husband I don't see often enough.

We're less than a month away from our big yearly Chicago vacation, though!  And Steve is taking me to the Bristol Renaissance Faire (over by the Wisconsin/Illinois border) because it's going to be PIRATE WEEKEND!!!!!  Man... Chicago, the Aquarium, Floyd's, Ikea, Legoland, AND Pirate Weekend?!  Squee overload.  So much to cram into 3 days and I am SO very excited!

Whoa! Been gone a while

Wow.  Looks like I've been gone for a while, huh?  Couple good reasons for that.  I was blogging from my phone, which died, so I got another, and it's difficult to do a lot of posting from my new one.  I mean, I bet it's easy cuz it's Android powered, but it's my first fully touch screen and that's a little frustrating for typing sometimes.

Also, I haven't had much to say.  Still rampantly infertile, lol.  I had a period from hell that lasted nearly three months, which was SUPER annoying, but now it's gone and I'm looking forward to resuming life as I know it.

Steve is driving truck again for a very good company.  Lots of loads, lots of time out AND lots of time home, too.  I get to see him a couple days out of a week... which I've been known to complain about, but really I'm lucky, because a lot of trucker wives only get to see their husbands like once or twice a month.  That is totally sucky.

Also I can't stand my job.  Steve told me to get a job doing something else and just do hair out of the house for a while... I might do that.  I just hate working in a place that punishes you if you're not "good enough" but doesn't really do anything to reward you when you meet/soar above their standards.  That's corporate life, and that's not for me.  Hairdressing shouldn't have so many rules.

I will also be turning the Tiny Giraffe blog into a craft blog, and it will be linked to my etsy shop (which only has two pieces of art in it, LAME).

So that's me! :)  I will try and keep up with the blogging a little more.  The next installment will be all adoption information and how mindblowingly frustrating it is getting for me...

Another Suitcase in Another Hall

So, here I am. On the eve of the one-year mark of one of the most horrible times of my life... The day I had to get the law to intervene to protect me from my dad & my younger sister. The story is actually petty & stupid, which should illustrate just how unforgivably STUPID their behavior is, so I'll spare you the details. Anyway, my personal protection order expires May 11... And oh shits, that's today, now. I'm home alone & my address is available to people it probably shouldn't be available to. My dad I'm not too worried about since he's recovering from a very omplex foot surgery, but my sister runs with all kinds of shady sketchy people (great role models for my niece & nephew, right?). I don't think anythin will happen, but... Still scary.

Next month will be my official one-year TTC mark, even though we tried on & off for the year previous.

that first TTC month I wasn't surprised when I did not get a pregnant result... I was coming off the pill & was going through a time of extreeeeme stress... Of all the myths & wives tales, the stress thing is legit!

so now it's May 2011. I had such hope that I'd be
bringing a little nugget into the world in a few weeks from now.

this is Really. Freakin. Hard.

I sort of feel like the purpose is missing from my life & that's a sucky-ass feeling.

I thought I'd have a baby by now.

my friend TJ asked me last night if I was in the 2WW. I said "yeah I guess" cuz technically I am. Steve was home at a very opportune ewcm moment but I didn't waste $ on OPKs to confirm cuz I am waving the white flag. I'm surrendering. It's all I can do, now... I'm in insurance limbo, and I'm down on my 50/50 chances by half.

this is the time I'm supposed to be huge & uncomfortable & excited to squeeze a tiny human out of my lady-bits. I'm not.

the wait list for chinese adoption has extended to 8-10 YEARS. YEARS. So much for my precious asian baby.

I thought I'd be pregnant and I'm not.

A Day We Don't Do...

Here at The Infertility Closet, we don't do Mothers' Day.

I know some of you subscribers/readers are mothers, and I mean no offense, but a Mothers' Day post is not in the works here.

My husband is out of town, I woke up to a dog hairball, and my own family is so jacked up that the only moms-day communication I had with my mom was I sent her a text & she wrote back.

Yesterday I found out a friend from beauty school is pregnant again... After having a baby in November. It's a "surprise". Yeah. Kick me when I'm down.

so, Happy Sunday Like Any Other, everyone!!!

uughhh

I WANT TO MAKE A POSITIVE BLOG POST. I REALLY DO.

I want to tell you all those fun sunshiney things, like... That I finally got knocked up, won a home makeover giveaway by one of the most creative people I've seen in a while (or even cracked top 15), love my job, and don't ever miss my husband while he's driving truck. But then I'd be someone I hate- A LIAR.

so for now I will sit in my beige nightmare, dreaming of a plum & creme bedroom suite, a nursery or even spending tonight snuggled up with my love-bug instead of my elderly pets.


I don't like being negative bc I don't like bringing my readers down, but kids... When it sucks, it sucks *shrug*

just gonna have to pray my fortunes turn around soon.

in the meantime, here are photos from my life:

these will be huge until I get around to resizing. Sry.


Simon trying to decide if he wants to gnaw on part of my craft project:



Bear deciding thunderstorms means lap-time with Mommy, much to her surprise:



again. No apologies for the largeness of photos. I blog via phone & photobastardbucket uses flash to resize photos so I'm screwed till at least sometime tomorrow.


dog farted. Rude as hell, right in my bed too.

VOTING NOW OPEN

PLEASE PLEASE PLEEEEASE go here and vote for me!!!

my entry is #68 "My Home: Slightly Used (by Jen)"

Thank you in advance. I REALLY want to win this... Or at least come darn close!!!

Tiny Giraffe Studio @ Etsy

Tiny Giraffe Studio, my art business I'm trying to get off the ground, is now on Etsy with a whopping 2 items lol.  I've been busy with other things!!!

the Tiny Giraffe Blog will still be hosted by me, but items are not available for purchase on the blog.  As I post art/crafts, I will note in the blog post if it is available in the TGS etsy shop :)

HERES THE LINK:
TINY GIRAFFE STUDIO @ ETSY!

Epic Makeover Giveaway from Vintage Revivals!

my TTC adventure is boring so I will talk about something else.

I submitted two rooms in my house to VINTAGE REVIVALS. I have a house seriously in need of some love, so I decided to enter... How people are too lazy to simply write a blog post is beyond me.







HERE is the link. Go here to vote for my totally pathetic living room and/or bedroom


Let me give you the backstory to our home-renovation situation:

In June 2009, my husband and I decided to make a purchase.  We had both screwed up in our youth, and nobody wanted to give us a loan for a mortgage.  We decided to check out a trailer park *collective gasp*!  I was a little less than enthused, being that the trailer parks where I grew up were not very impressive... nobody took care of themselves or their homes, like they had no pride at all.  We all know trailer parks get a bad rap, right?!  So anyway, he took me to LOGAN ESTATES to see what the homes were like there.  I was much surprised to find that it's more like a subdivision... all the homes were newer, no later than MAYBE mid-80's but there were only a couple that old.  Everything is nice and new looking, the properties were larger in size than I had seen... I was REALLY impressed.

And they were willing to finance people with credit issues!!!

After looking at some homes, and sitting down with the loan coordinator, we ended up seeing one that wasn't on the list, as it had recently been moved out of & had the carpet replaced (brand new carpet?! *eyebrows*).  We picked that one!

3 bedrooms, 2 full baths.  Master bath has a garden tub.  I was in love.  I said "This is my house", and it was a done deal.

Fast forward to now, April 2011.  We've started a redo of our kitchen, it's almost completely done, so I didn't choose to include it in the giveaway contest.  I spent most of the last year and a half in beauty school, having been laid off from work a while back, and my husband has this innate ability to get jobs that PROMISE a lot of work, but never seem to actually provide it.

MY HOUSE IS BEIGE.  I can't stand it.  I have been looking at the same junk for almost two years and we don't have a lot of extra cash to start renovations.  I have ideas for my living and bedroom areas, mostly just starting with a paint job!  I have big dreams of paint for these rooms, people, let me tell you!  We are now starting to save our pennies (the ones not dedicated to bills) to visit our RE and talk about the possibility of getting pregnant, since it is so obvious to me it will not happen on our own.  Mandi is a DIY miracle worker, but I doubt very much that she can get me pregnant, so I figured why not try to get her involved in our home-decor disaster.

We watch a lot of the DIY network and see all these cool tricks and tips, but it's just not in our life budget right now. *huge sigh*  Yes, this is basically a PITY ME post.  Pity me and vote for Mandi to come make my house into something utterly fantastic.  We've worked so hard just to stay on our feet and it would be such a BLESSING to us to have someone come in and help us out in our home.


I will leave the voting up to you, and in the meantime I will pray and pray for the Lord to send us in the direction He sees fit.

Thank you for your time and consideration!

Here are the pictures of our living room (nope. I sure didn't clean anything before snapping the pics with my phone):










And here are the pics I snapped of the bedroom (again, no cleaning or straightening up, haha... I'm a busy lady!)

Something to lighten the mood.

So I got some awesome news yesterday... My IFBFF TJ (Army Wife Post) is coming to visit in May. We are getting a hotel downtown GR & wander around getting into mild but undoubtedly funny trouble... I haven't seen that broad since I was in her wedding, I promise! I'm soooooo excited!!!

This DAMNED AF.

CD14 and I am still lightly bleeding. It's brownish with pink. More than anything I'm just annoyed at this point. It's gross and I'm sick of this period, it needs to be over.

I am in bed, crying, having a mini-meltdown. I am totally feeling sorry for myself & having a pity party a I need some ice cream or heads will roll. I am totally Negative Nelly right now. You guys are barking up the wrong tree if you wanna see a rainbow coming out of someone's butt today.

I have gained so much weight these past 3 years. I have terrible skin & it used to be immaculate. I have a facial hair problem that is VERY noticeable and VERY embarrassing. Growing out short hair sucks bc it doesn't look like any kind of good right now.

I feel like my body is giving up on me. I have chronic pain, so working out isn't really @ the top of my list. I need to but I can't afford a gym & I am not Outdoors Girl.

I will never have a baby at this rate, bc I hate so many things about myself that I don't wanna have sex. I'm embarrassed to be in that position bc of the way I look and feel.

how totally fucked up is that?

Yep. Still infertile.

haven't blogged in 6 days... Haven't had much to say other than crabbing about my period. Which is ending, though reluctantly, it seems. I wrote it an eviction notice & it seems to be working.

I have a lot going on in life right now. I'm finally able to work as a hairdresser & I'm doing a job I hate out of necessity. I'm about to open a play that's my 2nd biggest role of all time. Steve is out playing Brother Trucker again.

Today we were talking about possibly not conceiving naturally & possibly not even going through with IVF. I don't know if I'm willing to gamble with $8,000. And that's assuming it works the first time... We have discussed the option of adopting & we are very extremely open to it, and it looks better every day. I might miss being pregnant, but the women in my family do NOT stay small through pregnancy so I might be ok with it, lol.

we also discussed the subject of moving. We don't have much tying us down to this location other than our house. I wanted to pick it up & move it after it's paid for (manufactured home), but maybe we'll just sell it & chase our dreams in Chicago, Vegas or California.

I have to resign myself to the fact that there is very little chance that I will personally be birthing a child from my body... I have to look further down the road beyond the speed bump & try to start LIVING again. I am sooooo depressed.

anyway. Period is ending & doubtful Steve will be home for magical ovulation time. That's sorta where we stand.

AF= Aunt Flow AND April Fool's. Nice.

Hey look! AF came to me on AF Day! The irony is not lost on me.

I'm disappointed, angry & depressed. In lieu of a "real" update I will post this thingie I stole from someone else & filled out. I talk about being smart, which will sound pompous, but so be it. I'm tired of dumbing myself down for others.
******

I AM: Impatient.  Creative.  Messy.

I SAID: I didn't want to work at ______ and now I am.  I am a sellout & I am ashamed of myself.

I WANT: More than I should ask for, which is everything I'll never have.

I WISH: answers came in neat little packages and dreams were easily realized.

I HATE: clowns.  Storms.  Self-righteous people.  Adult bullies.

I MISS: my grandma. Oh God my heart aches for her.

I FEAR: judgement.  Pain.  Being alone.

I HEAR: thunder.  Fan.  Steve breathing.

I WONDER: if I'll ever do something that makes me truly happy.

I REGRET: not getting my teeth straightened.  Gaining a ton of weight.  Staying in Michigan.

I AM NOT: aloof.  Empty-headed.  Mean.

I DANCE: When I do the dishes.

I SING: as often as humanly possible.  It is my life's one true joy.

I AM NOT ALWAYS: selfless, but I try.

I MADE: a dozen terrible decisions.  Also, beautiful music.

I WRITE: crappy lyrics. Notes to myself (I'm very forgetful)

I CONFUSE: everyone, because I talk like an intelligent person & nobody gets my humor.  

I NEED: to be better.  Feel better, live better, DO BETTER.

I SHOULD: count my blessings.  Floss more often.  Learn to organize.

I START: lots of projects

I FINISH: very few projects

I BELIEVE: the world has more to offer me if I learned to step outside my comfort zone.

I KNOW: I will survive

I CAN: sing.  Sing your ass off.

I CANT: do anything right (so it seems)

I SEE: a fading vision of who I used to be.  A terrible reflection in the mirrors.

I BLOG: Personal struggles & sell my artwork (infertilitycloset.blogspot.com & tinygiraffestudio.blogspot.com)

I READ: Diana Gabaldon, Janet Evanovich & Wikipedia.

I AM AROUSED BY: Almost any portrayer of Superman.  Comics.

IT PISSES ME OFF: when people make fun of me for being smarter than them.  Why is it so bad to be smart instead of vapid & meat-headed???

I FIND: my keys in the door of my house *facepalm*

I LIKE: everything bad for me.

I LOVE: my cat.  Sometimes I think he's the only one that GETS me.

Eff.

I am sitting here drinking a ginger ale, feeling sorry for myself. I know that the she-beast Aunt Flow will be here tomorrowish.

I am totally throwing myself a miniature pity party... But mostly because the 1st day of AF is a huge bitch for me & I will get to experience it at my new job (been there 2 weeks)... On my feet all day, cutting hair. Oh the joy I face.

/crabbiness.

8/9DPO: I'm just tired of it.

8/9DPO- I am blogging sort of "in between" days.

I felt more comfortable posting here than "the other site" because I feel like there's lots of drama going on around there. It's annoying. Hopefully it'll pass over time. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop & for the drama & insanity to move into my "preferred" sub-forum... Then I'll have to put the cyber-smack down. Ugh, I don't have the energy.


Steve went back to driving truck for a living. This is good & also bad. Good, cuz we could use all that extra money and bad, cuz if I don't get a BFP this cycle (no breath-holding), then I'm pretty much screwed as far as TTC goes... Unless I magically ovulate on a weekend when Steve is home... How many effing dice do I have to roll to deal with this shit??? Not really a risk I was willing to take... HOWEVER with the extra money from trucking I could afford that damn RE, especially since my insurance is gone now it'll be that much more! Meehhhhhhhhh.

Anway, lets do a quick symptom recap. I'm 8DPO & eperiencing the following *IPS* emphasis imaginary:

*My boobs feel HUGE. They're already DD's but it's like they're totally in my way, like all the time.

*Also sore/tender, but to pressure only.

*Odd things are happening with my CM.

*I am crampy & kinda nauseous, but that couldve been the 9:30 PM McD's chicken nuggets!

*Also very tired. That's just me though.

I am trying really hard not to get all IPS worked up. I don't even want to get excited. Today is the first day I've even mentioned the possibility out loud. As soon as I said "Theres a minute chance I'm pregnant," that AF would show up. As I'm writing this, I feel like I have AF cramps.

I am dooming myself. I am setting myself up for failure. The more I dwell on it, the more I feel like I push any prospect of a baby far far away.

will I ever be able to try & enjoy a 2WW or have FUN noting my IPS? Will any of this ever be fun or have any kind of positivity ever again?

I'm at a loss. I'll let you know when AF shows up.

5DPO: bloats & cramps...

Bloating. Cramping. REEEEALLLLLLY trying not to get my hopes up. It would be nothing short of a miracle... And it would be worth trying to jam my ass into all my clothes right now. Uggghhh it's making me feel like Gigantor.

it would be nice if it happened this time, but don't start placing any bets.

1DPO & the source of my sanity

Weeeelllll I suppose I am 1DPO. I feel weird though... After everything I've heard about the "myth of O on CD14", I feel like a huge jackass for actually ovulating on CD14. Sorry guys, that's just my dumb luck. Nothing of much interest to report. Things won't be gettin interesting for another few days. I am always on the lookout for symptoms cuz I RARELY get IPS, so... Any sign is a big deal for me.

I would like to take this moment to focus your attention to the source of my sanity through all this: One of my dearest most darlingest friends TJ over @ "Army Wife Post".

TJ was brave enough to share her infertility struggles with me, even before I was deemed "INFERTILE". I always had a feeling in the back of my mind, and heart... LITERALLY since forever, that I would have troubles getting pregnant. We had talked about this before, and I like to give myself an iota of credit & think that she saw in me someone she could turn to without judgement or the inevitable and terrible "Relax" speech.

She updated me on this new & freaky road she started down with her precious husband J (I was in their wedding, he truly is a treasure to behold). When she would text me with appointment updates or bad, sad, not-at-all good news, I would cry for her. I would pray for her harder than I prayed for my own TTC struggles. I couldn't imagine being in her shoes & hoped I never would be...

These days we are sharing similar stories. I haven't been through as many procedures as she has, but we are both struggling to a common goal: spit up, dirty diapers & a lifetime of "firsts".

Nobody else in my real life day-to-day interactions can relate. Sure, I have supportive friends who love me & listen, but lets be honest... They do not give a shit about my cervical mucus. I don't blame them... But I know that TJ is out there waiting for me to text her as I pee in a cup (not easy).

it breaks my heart that J's army job keeps her so far from me, all the way to Georgia!... I remember when she was a 45 minute drive away & we could sit by the pool with our Nalgene bottles of Screwdriver-y deliciousness & just talk crap & laugh. Now we do it all through text & the (rare) phone date (we are busy)... But at least we are in the same time zone now (ugh, alaska).


I think about how easily our ships could've passed in the night, and how absolutely grateful I am to have her. She is my IFBFF & will always be my little ginger muffin. I lover you, TJ, and miss you a la fat kid/cake.

CD15 & stuff

Let me just start by saying I'm appalled at how rude people can be. I guess when you assume things it's easy to make idiotic statements & completely miss the whole point of a conversation. Um, I am trying to help, but I can't help if I don't have info, therefore I have to ask questions that were probably already answered at some point. Don't be a defensive jerk about it. If it weren't for the AMAZING people I met at that site, I would make a big scene & split. I just don't take well to being disrespected.

anyway onto more pressing things.... The whole reason for this blog: My Infertility!

Well here we are, CD15. I got a pretty positive OPK yesterday. It was on a blue handled IC from Amazon. The only TRUE positive I've gotten was on a green handled OPK from early-pregnancy-tests.com. Come to think of it, the really good positives I see are usually on green handles, so maybe I'll get those next time if this cycle is a bust.

so I'm guessing O was yesterday. I was really crampy, but also really gassy, so it was hard to determine if they were O or gas cramps sometimes...

I've been sore on the left side though so that's good! Maybe all that lefty juju & inspirational song writing on TMP has really motivated my body to do the right thing this time around.

so... I'm in the 2WW now I guess. Oh joy, such a wonderful time. I'm going to try not to think about it so much & just assume Af will be here in 10 days.. Maybe longer if my B6 is doing its job.

CD12: The fun part!

we are on CD12 & in the fun doin-it stages. Yesss. FF thinks I should probably be ovulating right now, but I know one thing FF does not! My cycles have regulated to a 24 (sometimes 25) day pattern... And (the more you knooowww) a 10 day LP! So... If I take today, count out the rest of my cycle, it takes me to the 31st... Count back 10ish days, O should actually take place 21st to 22nd, so I've got a good couple days in there before it's crunch time...

Also that means AF would show up on OH APRIL FIRST. WHAT A SHOCK. An april fools day guest. Watch me get the most picture perfect evap that day. I'll go ballistic.

so peeps, I need your prayerizzles. LEFT SIDE OVULATION ONLY PLZKTHX. If I fire one off on the right again, we're up blocked tube creek without a paddle.

also, anyone who follows this, could you be a peach and follow my art blog? I feel super lame cuz nobody follows me. I can't post it on TMP because I don't wanna pay... It's not actually making me any money cuz ppl don't know it exists: Tiny Giraffe Studio.

I feel super dumb posting when nobody reads it lol. Also pass it along to any other people you think might be remotely interested in mixed media abstracts...


I'm asking an awful lot of you, huh? Remember: you love me.

CD7. Struggling.

CD7 & AF is on her way out. Just down to pinkish spotting. Thank goodness I did NOT want another 12 day-er like last month!

I am struggling. I would like to be glad that other people are pregnant, but not all of them can seem to be tactful about it... The facebook widgets that put the weekly growth updates on my news feed, the one broad that just announced her pregnancy and thusly will not shut the eff up about it... It's just a lot of bullcrap... And I am feeling weak. Too weak to deal with other peoples' "priceless" antics.

I have been extremely tired lately & I don't know why. I don't know if it's leftover sickness or stress or what.




at least I start my new job tomorrow... Well not really "start", but I gotta go in & watch some videos & probably go over a handbook or whatevs.

I'm excited to start this cycle so it can come & go. I'm not holding out a ton of hope for this one, but you never ever know. As my pastors wife told me today "God's got your best interests at heart". True Story.

Slowest. AF. EVER.

Today is CD4... This is taking forevvvverrrrr...

Plan is, whenever AF stops, BD every other day till CD18. This was suggested by my OB after he looked over Steve's SA... We are apparently well enough stocked in that department to BD every other day & have plenty, LOL.

After Af I'm also going to start B6. OB said no soy, and thank goodness cuz it really screwed me up... But I'm hoping the B6 will extend my LP. This AF came at 10DPO, so.. Shorty short short!

Today's Mood

Today's mood is... Fair. My job hunt is progressing... Slowly, but it's going... I got out of the house for a while today, that was nice.

Steve is talking about going back on the road trucking. This would put a definite cramp on our TTC plans, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Right now it's not even in view, lol. That's good.


I'm on CD 2, going on 3. Cramps & such have subsided. Lower back pain is lessened, and also moved up. Feels like this cycle is taking forever already, but I think it's because I formulated a plan & I'm super excited to get things started! Soon enough I'll be able to start checking OPK & CM... Heeeeere we gooooo!

Cycle Day 1... And off we go!

Okay! Here we go! This is the first cycle I will have after my tubal blockage diagnosis, and before we get to the RE. We are going to continue to try naturally until we can get the RE involved.

in an interesting twist, all the terrible period symptoms I used to have are back! They stopped a year or two-ish ago & now they're back. I never thought I'd be glad for cramps & feeling gigantic, but if it means things are normalizing after my HSG, I'll take a cramp or two.

Hiding out... In the IF Closet.

well here I am.  I guess it was only a matter of time before I started a blog.

heres what's happening:   there are a select few that know what's REALLY happening with our infertility.  I am currently studying up on the various treatments for my tubal blockage & also going to keep TTC and hope that the clear tube & left ovary hooks us up with a viable zygote!

I am also looking to wrangle a luteal phase problem.  It seems to be about 10 days-ish.  I'm 9dpo right now & I'm experiencing some light spotting, not red at all.

Anybody else in the infertility closet? :)

I'll be keeping track of cycles & also any IF treatments I might be starting